This overwhelming anger began to arise in me. I had no control over it, but I knew the very public space I was in, and I could not allow this to show. I made a polite apology about some nonsense, and I left the venue.
As soon as I was out of the space, I could feel the bright red flush flood my cheeks. They became hot and in that moment all I could think to do was run.
This place was foreign to me, I did not know the town at all. But I ran anyway. Running didn’t help. I just got hotter and more frustrated. So, I found a park and threw myself onto the cold wet grass, sobbing. I could not make sense of what was happening to me. All I know was I had just seen the young man who had just earlier that day, told me he loved me, kissing another girl. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I just wanted to disappear from the face of the earth, never to be seen again.
It was such a magical moment. I had not had a boyfriend for a long time and Charlie was such a wonderful guy. He was gentle and kind and he seemed to love me, even through all my quirkiness. I had been able to share with him about the attempted rape that I had experienced and how that had frightened me to be in a relationship. He was so understanding and kind. He told me all men weren’t like ‘that’ guy and more than that, by his kindness, he showed me.
So, what had I just witnessed? My heart wanted to believe it was just him being kind, but my head wanted to rage against that thought. All I could see was that I was being rejected, again, in the worst possible way.
I had to do something to win him back. I walked around the streets of this place staring into windows trying to figure out what I could do. I finally found my way back to the house that we were staying in. It had a very long footpath down the side to the door. The house was made of brick, and I reached out and ran my hands along the brick as I walked along. Suddenly I stopped and faced the wall. Before I knew what was happening, I threw a punch into the wall. I winced with the pain but for some unknown reason, it felt good. I hit the wall again and again and again until my knuckles were cut open and bleeding.
I had been wandering the streets for some time and so I knew that Charlie and the rest of the crowd would be back at the house. They were inside as I hit this wall. I decided this was it. This was going to win him back. He would fuss over me, and he would take care of me because I was hurt. I would never have to say anything about his actions that hurt me so much.
I went to the door and rang the doorbell. Julia opened the door and saw all the blood and grabbed me as I fell into her arms. She called out to Charlie who came running to my side. He grabbed me and held me and immediately I knew I was safe.
But the truth was, I would never be safe with him. He had indeed betrayed me. Later, I discovered that he and this other girl had been together the entire time he was with me. He told her he stayed with me because he felt sorry for me.
So, why do I tell the story of my 19-year-old self-having such a brain snap. Well, this is what self-harm looks like. There is something that surges through you when you inflict pain on yourself for the very first time. I am not in any way medical, so I am not sure what that is. For me it was like an adrenalin rush. It dulls the pain to everything else that has happened and now you just focus on the pain of the knuckles, or the cut, or the cigarette burn. Whatever it is you inflict on yourself. In my case the whole time telling myself that I am damaged goods, and no one will ever truly care about me and the only way to get attention is this way.
I am so grateful that this is no longer my reality. Since I have discovered the love God has for me, I know that I am not damaged goods. I know that I am healed and whole and I know that my story is one of victory and freedom and one worth telling. I have learned the power of words. Our words have the power to build people up and have the power to tear people down. Our words, even though, we think are momentary can have a lasting effect on those who receive them.
The Bible teaches us about the power of the tongue. Have a little read of James 3:3-10
3Horses have bits and bridles in their mouths so that we can control and guide their large body. 4And the same with mighty ships, though they are massive and driven by fierce winds, yet they are steered by a tiny rudder at the direction of the person at the helm.
5And so the tongue is a small part of the body, yet it carries great power! Just think of how a small flame can set a huge forest ablaze. 6And the tongue is a fire! It can be compared to the sum total of wickedness and is the most dangerous part of our human body. It corrupts the entire body and is a hellish flame! It releases a fire that can burn throughout the course of human existence.
7For every wild animal on earth including birds, creeping reptiles, and creatures of the sea and land have all been overpowered and tamed by humans, 8but the tongue is not able to be tamed. It’s a fickle, unrestrained evil that spews out words full of toxic poison! 9We use our tongue to praise God our Father and then turn around and curse a person who was made in his very image! 10Out of the same mouth we pour out words of praise one minute and curses the next. My brothers and sisters, this should never be!
Captivating Freedom 