What do you do when the goal posts keep getting changed…
Okay – so you are starting in on a new friendship, relationship – whether it be at work, church, school or just in day to day life.
Everything is running along smoothly – each person finding their rhythm and space within the friendship/relationship. Testing the waters – you know, what is okay to say and do and what is perhaps not so good. Suddenly the goal post changes and what you once thought was okay, is suddenly not okay. You are not sure what has changed, but something definitely has. What is your first response?
My default has been (and sometimes still is) to turn inward. To start to examine my actions, my responses. I begin to question what did I say, what did I do? Why has everything changed? As I begin this – I start to find myself on a downward spiral – my thoughts tend to run off with themselves down rabbit holes and before I know it – I am the worst person in the world and no-one would ever want to be my friend.
Does this sound familiar or am I the only person who has done (and sometimes still does) this?
Sure, have a quick examination of yourself – there is nothing wrong with us self-checking BUT there is something really wrong with it when it becomes abuse.
What do I mean abuse? Well the simple truth is that we are more often guilty of abusing ourselves than we are of abusing others. We don’t see it and we don’t acknowledge it as a ‘thing’, but trust me it is. We really start to think negatively about ourselves. We become so critical of ourselves and this leads us to criticize others to try to make ourselves ‘feel’ better. It is that abuse of self that most often leads us to abuse others.
There is a really simple step you can take to stop the spiral and to make sure that your relationship stays open and honest and becomes one of those ‘forever’ friendships.
ASK! If something changes and you are not sure what is going on, why not ask to catch up for a coffee, tea or whatever your thing is and talk it through. You will most likely find that it is not at all what you were thinking.
Be kind to yourself and your friends, because while you are busy trying to get an answer in your own head – you change towards them and they are probably trying to figure out what is up with you…
Just talk to each other, be honest and ask questions – you will all be better off.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Captivating Freedom 