These are the things that were causing the panic attacks and the increased anxiety and depression. These were the things I spent most of my first year talking through and gaining insight into much of what I believed about myself and how I treated myself.
As far as my mum was concerned, her behaviours and her attitudes didn’t change, but I was learning how to deal with the things that were happening. I still felt the anxiety but the panic attacks were subsiding because I knew what the triggers were and I was able to talk myself around.
I clearly remember one day as I was driving out to my appointment I was thinking – I actually don’t have anything to say today. I think I might go today and then tell her I think I am okay.
Within minutes of talking with her, the reality began to sink in, that this was just the beginning. At some point during out conversation I began to tell her something and I realized that this was something I had never confessed to anyone before. Slowly I started to see that this was just the tip of the iceberg.
At the end of the session, she looked at me and said “Our time is up and I have some homework for you.” I was used to homework, it is something that you have to do with therapy. It is not just a case of sitting in a room and talking and then going away and not doing anything with it – that would be a waste of time and money.
I will never forget what she said next. She told me that I was to go away and really think about whether I wanted to continue with our sessions. I was a bit confused. She gave me no explanation at the time, but insisted that it was important.
This appointment was an early morning appointment and I was heading to work afterwards. When I got out to the car, I began to have a panic attack. I phoned my boss and told him I would not be in that day. I drove down to the waterfront and bought a coffee and pulled a chair out of the boot of my car. I grabbed some paper and a pen and sat looking out over the bay. I was crying, I was confused and I had no idea what was going on. So many questions raced through my mind. Didn’t she want to help me anymore? Did she think I was a hopeless case? So many questions.
Deep inside I knew that there was still so much more that needed to be dealt with. I took a deep breath and I began to have a conversation with God. Within minutes I started writing all the reasons why I needed to continue and on the other side I wrote all the reasons I didn’t need to continue. Of course, one side was fuller than the other……
Captivating Freedom 