What does this 16 year old do when you realize something isn’t quite right with life. The thing is you aren’t sure what is wrong but you know something has got to change.
I was a teenager, with no ‘real’ friends. I didn’t know what to do. As much as I wanted to finish school and go to University, I decided the problem was school and so I decided to cut all ties with everyone, to leave and get a job.
My mum was really not happy. She didn’t understand because she knew I was a good student who could achieve anything I wanted to. What she didn’t know was the web I had woven. I managed to convince her and she let me leave as long as I had a job. I secured a traineeship and I was so happy.
At last I was independent and free.
I think the most important note to add here is that although I didn’t know it on the surface, I didn’t like myself. I hated who I had become and with no way out, the only thing I could do was continue to live in this fantasy world. As long as no-one got too close I would be just fine. I didn’t believe that the real me, was worthy of having friends. In my mind I believed that if I was a worthwhile person, then people would just like me and so my stepfather must have been right when he told me I would never amount to anything.
I struggled to make friends at work. My traineeship was in our large local hospital, training in Medical Administration.
I loved learning, I have always loved learning. I did pretty well, but soon the need to be liked began to interfere with that. I ended up in the wrong crowd. Here at the delicate age of 16 I began to drink and smoke and not pay a whole lot of attention to my learning. I was beginning to be a bit disruptive and the teacher, whom I got along with really well initially, was starting to not care too much for my behavior. I went from star pupil to major problem in the course of a couple of months.
I failed my final exam by half a mark and I was really annoyed. I was put on a 6 month probation period. I really worked hard during that time because I did not want to fail. I believed that I had been doing great work and so when I went in for my interview at the end of my probation, I believed I was going to start working full time. Instead, I was dismissed with no reason given. These words, “you aren’t what we are looking for.”
I was in shock. Now, even in the ‘real’ world I was not wanted.
Captivating Freedom 